Has Putting Your Head Up On The Internet Made You Feel Like Whack-A-Mole?

by Bonnie Boots 

I was surprised last week to hear the same sad story from two different men. Both are well known on the internet. Both are warm-hearted, well intentioned and focused on being of service to other people. In other words, they're all-around good guys.

What did they share in common besides a noble nature? Both were feeling battered by venomous emails that had come from subscribers to their newsletters. Said one of these men, "I feel like the mole in a Whack-A-Mole game. Why is it that putting your head up on the internet makes some people want to take it off?"

Whack-A-Mole, the mechanical game where you try to bop make-believe moles popping up out of holes is a fit metaphor for what these men were experiencing. Their mistake was in thinking the situation is unique to the internet.

The sad fact is, when you bring yourself to people's attention in any way, whether it's on the internet or in your local community, a certain percentage of those who notice you will take a whack at you.

Ask anyone in any kind of media. People who work on television, whether they're big national stars or small-town reporters, receive a steady stream of letters and voice mails from viewers criticizing everything from their clothing and hairstyle to their accent.

Likewise, people who work in radio and newspapers get a daily dose of mean messages. In fact, the more popular the presenter, the nastier those messages will be.

I worked in both newspapers and radio before publishing myself on the internet, so I knew before I built my first web site that I would, without any doubt, be hearing from a certain segment of the population that feels called upon to send mean-spirited messages.

It's just a fact of life, albeit a sad one, that when you draw attention to yourself in any way, a certain percentage of the people that pay attention will feel driven to insult and attack you.

When I began working in media, I was warned me of this and told me not to take it seriously. Still, the first time a poison pen letter arrived, it was so nasty, so personally pointed in its vicious attack that it took my breath away. I carried it to my editor with shaking hands. She took a brief look and laughed. "This is nothing!" she said. "Believe me, you'll get far worse. Better develop a thick skin if you want to last."

As I walked away she added, "Oh, yeah, the ones that are actual death threats-give them to the legal office. They keep them on file for the police just in case anything ever happens."

As predicted, worse letters did arrive. And when technology advanced into voice mail and email, I, like everyone else in media, saw the number of nasty messages grow. That's not surprising when you consider the immediacy of digital communications. It takes time and effort to sit down and handwrite a letter, put it in an envelope, address it, put a stamp on it and put it in a mailbox, after which the writer never knows when or even if the message will reach its target.

Voicemail and email, on the other hand, offer the writer almost instant gratification. It takes only seconds to send off a nasty message or record a rant on someone's telephone, and both reach their target with lighting speed.

Ease of use and instant gratification can account for the large number of negative messages sent, but how do we explain these messages in the first place? What makes some people feel driven to deliver their nasty and even violent opinions directly to you? Here's what I learned over the years:

1.Some people just don't like you and want to tell you so. No matter how nice you may be, no matter how helpful you try to be, no matter who you are and what you do, 50% of the people you meet are just not going to like you. Look around your own life. Of the people you run into, how many do you really like? And how many rub you the wrong way? Sorting people, things and events into "like-don't like" categories is just part of human nature. And for a small part of the population, writing letters to inform you which list they've placed you on is simply something they feel compelled to do.

2.Some people go through life looking for ways to be offended. When someone stands up, on TV, on radio or on the internet and says, "Look at me. I have something to say," these people do look, they do listen and they do chose to be offended by what they hear, even if they didn't really hear it. I once had a listener call the radio station, demanding I be fired for my "vulgar, disgusting language." She quoted me as saying I wanted to dip a popular entertainer in chocolate and lick him clean. The station manager and I reviewed the tape of the show. Yes, I'd mentioned the entertainer. Yes, I'd mentioned chocolate. But it was her imagination that put them together in a naught scene.

3.Some people are struggling with difficulties that leave them raw and wounded, and some things you say or do will hurt them. I once wrote an article that said the number one reason people don't get what they want out of life is because they don't take action. I received a very angry letter from a man who said my attack on paraplegics such as him was unwarranted and offensive. Being disabled had lead this man to feel he couldn't take action to change his life, so he read my words as if they were daggers aimed at him.

4. Some people are suffering from mental health problems. There are all sorts of diseases that affect a person's thinking, from common disorders like depression to more serious diseases like bi-polar disorder or schizophrenia. Some research has shown that bi-polar disorder and schizophrenia are more likely to strike highly intelligent people, a tragic situation that robs them, not of intelligence, but of the ability to control their thoughts and moods. Only after I did some volunteer work in a mental health facility did I realize that some of the letters I received showed unmistakable signs of bi-polar disorder and depression.

Those are some of the reasons people send nasty messages to nice people. So what can we do to keep from getting our feelings hurt and our enthusiasm dashed by the occasional mean-spirited message?

First, think before you react. Remind yourself that the writer may be struggling with problems and challenges that have taken control of their reason and emotion. A disease, not a person, may have written that nasty message to you. Or the writer may be so wounded that he's simply lashing out at those around him. Just reminding yourself that the writer may be in personal agony can help you see the letter as a cry of pain, rather than a personal attach on your integrity. Discard their message with a silent pray of thanks that their affliction is not yours.

On the other hand, if you think the message comes from someone that just doesn't like you and wants to share that thought, hit the delete key. Life is too short to worry about whether or not everyone likes you. Remember the 50% rule? Your delete key is a delightful way to deal with the half that don't.

Replying to an insulting message should be your very last resort. Don't do it if you're just firing back. Escalating someone's anger is to no one's advantage. I only answer angry or insulting messages if they come from a customer or subscriber that feels they have a real complaint about my products or services. In that case, I ignore any anger. I restate the writer's complaint to let them know they've been heard. I offer a solution or an apology and I wish them well. In every instance, this has resulted in a positive reply.

Like the men I told you about at the beginning of this story, everyone that puts their head up on the internet is bound to get a few whacks, but that's no reason to go scurrying off like a mole. Consider the source. Think before you react. Don't take it personally, even when it seems very personal. And whether you delete the message or respond, do so with a wish for peace. Just because someone sends you anger doesn't mean you have to absorb it.

 

 About the Author

Bonnie Boots is the publisher/editor of The Internet Wizards Magazine for people who want to create their own products and market on the internet. Register for your free 1-year subscription at http://www.theinternetwizards.com